Sandy is an over thinker, drinker and fairly outrageous stinker. When her best friends moved all around the world, she decided to capture her thoughts in text… and let me tell you, it gets pretty weird.

Woah Mama

Woah Mama

Hi I’m Sandy, I am an Introvert. An introvert who doesn’t like to use the label to describe herself too often. I feel like words are often overused and have confused meanings but...I digress. The reason I bring this up is because I am the parent of an extrovert. I have a child who is CONSTANTLY, WITHOUT END, making mouth noises...all the live long day. It is sometimes adorable, but a lot of my life is spent reading internet articles and sharing memes alone in my bathroom for some DAMN peace and quiet. I have moments of near mental breakdown where I almost lose my shit, turn into a huge green rage monster and start crushing loaves of bread with my fists. Then I remember that I am a civilized lady and I pour some wine and eat chocolate in a dark room alone #noshame #evolved.  

Most recently my kid learned how to sing Feliz Navidad. And today my son sang, (TO HIMSELF) Feliz Navidad for at least 45 minutes straight, without stopping.  The best verse in the song, his signature verse as an amateur lyricist was, “Poopsero Anus and Felicidad.... I want to poop you a merry Christmas! I wanna pee you a merry Christmas! I wanna poop you a merry Christmas and poopy new yearrrr”  

Cute right? 

Rule number 1 of what I SHANT do, what I CANNOT do as a parent, is smirk/smile/chuckle/shoulder shake/smize or nose crinkle during this production. Nope, NO, nuh uh, I can’t reward a millisecond of the clever rendering, not even once.... OR GOD HELP ME the song will continue forever until my ears bleed and my brains ooze out of my skull. Instead, I have mastered the silent stare and unimpressed nod, this is still a reaction though and the atomic force that is my child is only subdued for thirty minutes at a time using this tactic.  

MOTHERHOOD is hard. Remember when we thought our Mother was crazy and menopausal in her 30s because she was constantly screaming and sometimes crying? She was not menopausal in her 30s, and if she was crazy it's because we took her there, for the life of us we just didn’t know how to fucking listen. I think sex-ed should provide teenagers with social media but whatever they share or post cannot be liked, or commented on by anyone. It would feel like having a kid feels.  

IGNORED. 

Every home-ec class could practice making really nice meals that take about an hour in preparation and at the end of class a child can say “ew” as you set the plate before them. Then you can pour some goldfish on a napkin and give up on feeling good forever.  

PARENTING 😊  

I guess it’s not all bad, I asked my son what Spotify playlist we should listen to on the drive home and he asked for Cardi B. At least he has strong female role models in his life. He for sure know all the words to “I like it”, he doesn’t say the N word though, I am a good Mother after all.  

I let him watch Austin Powers International Man of Mystery and every time I told him anything he responded with, “Oh behave” for at least three days. That was cool, I like being told to behave.  

The brief moments of silence when he falls asleep allow me to keep going. That and chocolate, I make sure to eat chocolate and call my son a Dementor while I do so, SOUL SUCKER I LOVE YOU. 

It’s a struggle to find peace nearly every single day, luckily, I have learned to do three essential adult tasks to get through life: 

  1. Stare into the distance and fret about my future 

  2. Express how I feel even if it makes people cringe 

  3. Loop ‘harder better faster stronger’ in my mind 24/7

I hope the following advice helps someone else soothe their inner green rage monster: Sit in a dark room, eat chocolate alone while chanting, “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU” in the direction of your little noise maker. 

  Hey there Soul Sucker, I love you, Always <3

 

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Best Lyrics: E-40 edition

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