Winky Face
Obviously, I am the first person on earth to suffer the indignity of cancer. I know immediately your heart sinks to the pit of your stomach to learn that THIS nearly perfect specimen of a human body, the soft and gorgeous curves of Sandra, chiseled by the Gods themselves, has endured a tragic hardship… even more tragic than the pixie “Dharma” haircut of the early naughts, even more tragic than her adult braces and even more tragic than that time I shaved my sideburns off. But please, don’t cry for me Argentina, the truth is… I thought I was immune to it just like most of you do. Apparently, cancer is NOT make-believe, and the knowledge of this truth has rattled my world, what’s next? A round earth??
I want to assure you I have survived the evil within, thanks mostly in part to my severe menstrual cramps. These were the kind of menstrual cramps that feel as though you are in labor whilst not being pregnant or had an alien growing in your guts apparently as a result from eating questionable shawarma. I even thought I might’ve actually been in labor with one of those poop babies that women mysteriously have, even though I had not had a sexual partner in over a year on the day of discovery. To begin with this tale, let me tell you about this day, the day I had the WORST menstrual cramps, worse than yours could ever be and probably the closest to death I will ever be…at least until the next time I get attacked in the baby machine. So, snuggle up, sigh forlornly and summon some strength from deep within to listen to my sacrificial tale.
I woke up early on a Saturday morning when I was twenty-nine years old to go to a Les Mills Body Pump class. So, the thing about Sandy in her late twenties is that I had been severely anemic, I thought for some reason I had randomly developed anemia in my old age and was purely eating a diet of red meat and iron supplements as directed to by doctors… I was weirdly silver and heavy like mercury…. I’m fairly sure I was Alex Mack, except not in liquid form. Anyway, because I was so heavy, I decided to do a group workout class so I could appear less like a walking kettlebell. Halfway through a deadlift, I started to feel “the cramps.” It felt something like getting stabbed in a Hollywood action film, I immediately clutched my side and took several deep breaths and hobbled towards the door as if a masked murder was chasing me.
After a few minutes of blinding pain and sudden dizziness, I decided to just drive home. Apparently, the anemia kicked in … and I guess I needed to eat more liver and spinach. I went home, popped some vitamin M and tried to rest. ONE HOUR LATER I am covered in sweat and my right internal organs are pulsating behind my skin. “Oh it’s my appendix” I thought to myself, that is something TV taught me was a medical emergency…cool, let me drive myself to the ER and tell the nurse that. After crawling into my 2013 Toyota Corolla that sounded like grinding everywhere I went (shoutout to Britney and that fender bender!) I drove to the ER, keeled over, feverish, writhing in pain with the A/C on blast and Ludacris on the Bluetooth.
I was told about 2 hours after checking in… my Appendix was fine. I was like, cool so… is it a tapeworm?? Tragically no one laughed, because no one ever laughs when you talk about a baseball sized tumor on your bean sized ovary. I had Ovarian Cancer and torsion, and I was gonna have to lose the bean. 96 hours later, after a biopsy, abdominal surgery, a bad reaction to anesthesia, a round of radiation, lots of tears, anxiety, and NO CHOCOLATE CAKE >. < I was released to go home.
That was when the fun started. I didn’t have cancer in my body anymore but did my brain know that??! Did the doctors know for sure?? No to both. My doctors afterwards, were Army Oncologists. ‘PHEW!’ God Bless the Military… because when they set their mind to find something OH, THEY LOOK FOR IT. For the next 2 years they screened me every 3 months, sooner if the doctors swapped out, sooner if I was being tasked to deploy and soonest if I let my mind convince me that the Cancer had returned and I frantically called my physician with wild questions. I turned into a hypochondriac, convinced that even toe pain or indigestion could be the inevitable diabolical monster returning to finish me off. I was insufferable. Scan-xiety they call it, the anxiety surrounding a medical screening and I was full of it! Finally, shamefully, I decided I need to be seeing a therapist. After several months of talking through it, something finally clicked. I can live in constant fear as if the cancer monster within would take over under every full moon, or I could enjoy the second chance at life I was given and NOT let the CANCER win, even in the fear of it, it was winning. So, I was able to calm down and here I am, seven years later still Cancer free and not so inflated about every teensy ailment… I think.
The real reason I want to share this story now, is because I just went to my annual screening. Funnily enough I am used to the fear now… I am also used to the delightful events that occur every time I get a cancer checkup. Below is the order of events that not many lucky individuals get to go through, but if you are lucky like me, you still have a beautiful life and cheerful doctors who want to keep you here:
1) Welcome to your CT scan! Have you ever gotten drunk off liquid barium that tastes like a glade plugin and looks like 16 ounces of Semen??
a. Please remove all of the metal on your body because this giant magnet will shake your picture like an etch-a-sketch if your nose ring is still in.
b. Have you ever had intravenous contrast that makes your mouth taste like pennies and makes your crotch really warm making you think you wet yourself? Would you like to??
c. Please drink at least 120 ounces of water after ingesting these chemicals, the last thing you want is kidney stones!!
2) Today is lab day! Do you know how many vials of blood are required to check tumor markers? Neither do I! I just know it is somewhere between 4 and 6… I look away when that bad boy is dangling off my arm.
3) One week-to-one month later you finally visit the Oncologist. A specific one who knows both your special organ and what are tumors? how do cell science?? Mine is always an OB/GYN doctor. Calmly, quietly, please wait in a room full of pregnant or nursing mothers, as we all sit in the comfort of knowing our pants are coming off and someone will be in our cervix later.
a. The Doctor proceeds to ask you tons of questions: What is your current birth control? How is your peeing? How is sex? Does it hurt? How heavy do you bleed and for how many days? Would you like to stop bleeding? Do you want more kids? Do you want more meds? How many partners are we at this year? What’s your poop like? Any hot flashes?
b. After a fun game of twenty questions, here comes the glove snap…. Interesting enough I just get a regular PAP… oh and my cervix, one ovary, tits and butthole all get finger checked for tumors. It’s fairly invasive but… they let me have a cigarette afterwards, so I have no complaints.
4) Lastly, we talk about how the big-bad-Cancer aint back yet… I act very nonchalant as though I’m totally cool and NOT worried about what my butthole feels like. We schedule the next date for about 12 months later and uhhhhhh then I get ghosted.
I do, however, always treat myself to chocolate cake afterwards. So, here’s to another year of ME! The one and only Sandy C…. proud to be cancer free ;)
