Human People Words
I’m not great at work with the people and the talking. At some point in my career, I was supposed to pick up these artificially friendly, bored, and distracted conversation mannerisms. Instead, I am the slow breather in the corner creepily watching people exchange pleasantries. People ask each other about good, clean, and fun American topics. Dog-training…meat smoking…spinach dip…painting sunsets, God it’s all so DAMN interesting and I have nothing to offer to these conversations ! Seriously, I wish I could be better at the small talk; I really feel like I need this skill to humanize me in a professional space…networking seems so cool and there is an end goal to it right? I mean we are all just trying to network our way to Barack Obama and become a part of the crew of people handing him more books to personalize, no? Did you guys take a class in social chit chat? And is it free? I mean, I guess I would pay about $250 for that class, so long as its diverse because I can’t have the same conversation about Gwyneth Paltrow anymore, I’ve simply exhausted all my points on her life.
I wonder sometimes if I should allow these slobbish thoughts of mine to spill out as a remedy to my current responses of complete silence, head nods and “oh really? s” People will find it more endearing, if not memorable right? Full disclosure, I often wonder when and where the last time people have farted was. Yea its gross but also a little hilarious especially if they are very concerned about their looks, these people probably last let one rip in an empty meeting room after everyone left but right before they shut off the light. I like to think of very uptight and serious people having a booming flatulence that sort of explodes from compression… because, you know, tight asses. Actually, in hindsight asking people about their gas habits… it’s probably be too easy a question to answer in a conversation, obviously everyone farts alone in their car, it’s simply not thought provoking enough. I don’t want to be boring after all. BE MORE INTERESTING.
I could ask people what their last nightmare was. Honestly, we don’t talk about our dreams enough. The last dream I had involved dinosaurs, pillaging and ancient curses for crying out loud. I kind of want to know if our dreams are connected in any way, please tell me when you dream my friend because this puzzle needs to get assembled and I’m willing to put in the time. The last nightmare I had I was voiceless in, which is strange because I don’t remember talking in my not-nightmares but this one I was aware to the fact that I was unable to talk, scream, hum etc. Anyhow, I was also barefoot, and the floor was wet which was just terrible then there was a bat who kept getting stuck in my hair. Super interesting right?? Ugg you’re right, there’s nothing to say to that… its just a recollection of stories, is that conversation?
What kind of razors are you guys using? I have lived for thirty-four years and shaved for more than twenty of them, I still don’t have a stable brand. I tried the soap-razor combo and for some reason the soap wouldn’t dissolve fast enough to expose the razor and I was just lubing up my legs and shit. I don’t know how to use it just like I don’t know what third cousins are. Basically, I have been buying cheap razors because I’m terribly frugal, but I end up looking like a scene from cabin fever and it gets pretty icky. Anyway, looking for advice on a decent brand that can hack away at really thick pine needles attached to really sensitive paper-like skin.
How was that? Advice seeking is less robotic right?.... sigh… I’m garbage.
I’m gonna keep practicing this small talk thing, I think I’m getting warm-warmer-warmest when it comes to acceptable people topics. I just gotta worm my way in to those conversations with all the teeth and laughter…. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING ON THIS PLANET.
