An Open Letter to Foot Locker

The day is almost done; the full moon creeps eerily along the horizon, large and imposing, it reminds humanity that they are temporary because alas, it endures. Confusion on the human condition has led me to this untimely conjuncture. Why is it that words do not plainly express what is meant to be expressed? Is it not their purpose? The human mind complicates, infuriates, and mystifies; the soul is left without means of representation.

Contemplating the abysmal way humanity speaks to each other’s minds and not souls, I would like to address something.

I visited your store today, 4501 N Main St Suite 9. In search of the product you claim to sell. As I approached the back of the store a young adult-man was slumped over the register, idly scrolling through his small computer, he looked up at me with a languid smile and said, “welcome to Foot Locker, can I help you find something?”

“Yes, young man, you see I have become quite bored with the models I have currently placed on this otherwise optimal form, and I would like to see your best selection of feet.”

I watched this young man processing my message and I noticed a series of insensible ticks. Perhaps he requires a software upgrade, I thought to myself. Mouth agape, forehead clinched and silence deafening, the man child appeared to have been frozen in thought.

“Please.” I added, nearly forgetting the commands-of-execution for dealing with service representatives. Clearing his throat and licking his lips the youthful face began to answer as I happily reveled in appropriately following social protocol.

“We… sell shoes and clothes and some socks” he dully replied. “So, no feet?” I asked, he shook his head to indicate no. “No lockers either?” hopefully, I questioned, because if anything I could lock my treasures up. Humans often take from each other without consultation. He said, “no, no lockers either.”

Foolishly, I nodded and backed away double checking my surroundings for evidence of human feet along the walls of this Foot Locker. How do these humans exchange their bodies? Do they ever replace the feet affixed to their legs? Ideally, I would be able to jump higher and walk further however, these size tens are limiting my capabilities. Perhaps I will need to keep listening for clues in the realm of body modifications. It is not clear, what is clear is that Feet are not kept in Lockers for leisurely consumers; nor are lockers stored in stores within Malls.

This continues my list of why human language muddles the needs of human souls and while the humans speak endlessly and say a lot of words, they often fail to say things correctly or meet the desires of their inner persons.

Since arriving here several moons ago, I often seek items for purchase but I find that I am still not grasping words nor am I belonging to the collective understanding of sales. The following establishments have also caused my humiliation in this sense:

1.       The Body Shop

2.       Vans

3.       Panda Express

4.       Men’s Warehouse

5.       BoxLunch

6.       Walmart

7.       Firestone

8.      Dominos

I write to you asking to provide disclaimers at your front door or on your webpage *Feet and Lockers not sold at this location.

I look forward to the modification of your mission statement, perhaps a rebranding to a name akin to “Shoe Store” would be clearer to the worldly visitor. Thank you for your time, my condolences to your race for inflicting upon you bitter observations and commenting on your short lifespans.

Sincerely,

A lost customer