Rebellious Love
I love delusional self-confidence. Every day I work harder to change myself from a simple baby bitch, crying over chin fat and awkwardness to a majestic fucking warrior queen who thoroughly believes everyone is in love with her. I just went through a breakup, which is hard or whatever. When a relationship of mine ends, I spend so much time wallowing in depressing self-loathing it’s deplorable. It’s horrendous, dreadful, vile, and disgusting the way I talk to myself and I blame everything that went wrong on me. LITERALLY A SENTENCE ME HAS TOLD ME: “you could have just waited for them to invite you to your future life.” I could have WAITED? To be invited? To MY OWN LIFE??? See, that is my problem, and I am currently in therapy to unpack this shit but, for too long, TOO LONG, I have tried to please my partner by being SO SUPPORTIVE of their shit, their plans, their future, their goals… that I go happily along with everything they say and want. Then I am caught by surprise when I am not invited on their journey, into their life. Wait…. what...? I thought you liked the cheerleader, the fan, the best friend, the sweet support system…. the DEVOTED HONOR AND LOYALTY FROM THIS BEAUTIFUL SOUL? I know this sounds like my own martyrdom (hence the need for change) but, when someone tells you you’re so great and wonderful… and then doesn’t want to build a future with you, I feel like there is something else they’re not telling me. I’m pretty sure it’s the fact that I’m too up their butt, and I need to be up my own.
What I’m trying to say is who am I doing all this cheering and supporting for? And why is that answer not me? Why am I not turning this tremendous amount of love and validation inward and why can’t I be my own cheerleader, fan, love of my life, etc.? I want to be so delulu in self-love its laughable. That girl is way too into herself, that is who I want to be. And I don’t care if you don’t agree with the tactic but considering you’re in love with me, don’t you want me to finally unpeel the people pleasing skin suit and transform into a ridiculously confident, slightly delusional, egomaniac? Don’t you love that for me? These are the steps I will take to complete the metamorphosis:
1. In business: I know the lady who doesn’t believe in herself, she is likely just a background character and not the CEO of her own life. So, I refuse to be a background character; it took me 37 years to realize this, but I can no longer be held down by the belief that I do not belong where I am. I am the institution; I wrote the law. I cannot be GOVERNED. I must become feral and untamed, who likes being told by others what their future should look like anyway? I am the stray black cat, let me roam free, jump out of dumpsters, and startle you every once and again. So, from now on I only receive my tasks and advice from the following demographics… in this order: fierce women, wise women, smart women, women who call me sweetie or honey or baby, women who support women (to include women’s rights to decisions about their own body), feminists, non-binary people who compliment my vibe, teens who are not mean, children, adorable puppies, cats, men who fear me, and the elderly…. including the elderly men, who also fear me.
2. In romance: Whatever beautiful body, face, or precious spirit I am met with in a future relationship, they must know they are, at best, the supporting actor to my movie. I AM THE STAR OF MY OWN LIFE. THIS IS MY QUEST. The main character has a whole story. She has to command a whole army on a quest to find Sauron’s control ring in order to avenge her brother’s death and prevent the destruction of all mankind. She is the general in charge of the resistance to the nazi-esque first order, ultimately sacrificing herself for a victory in an epic battle. She literally makes all the plans to find the horcruxes and defeat the Dark Lord once and for all. She is giving Main Character. Sure she has love stories and marriage, bonds, partnerships, yada yada… but like, it should NOT be mistaken that the superior dedication to her own quest and vision for a better world are crucial to the storyline of saving lives and being badass.
3. In self-love: This is where I want to be so aggressive in “love me” energy. I want to be HER. She is, I am, the most precious, clever, confident, and surest person you know. I know there is some criticism in seeing yourself as greater than you actually are… but as someone who saw themselves as lower than others for so long…. I don’t care. I am remarkable. I am that bitch; I am beautiful and powerful and incredibly unique in how I see the world and execute moves in my own reality. For a while I worried about doing too much, what am I trying to prove and to who? Degrees, marathons, weightlifting, writing, leading, parenting and all the other little hobbies I find cute and interesting. It just clicked though, I am incredibly cool. Who says we cant do everything we want to do? If we can make it fit into our day and it feels good… why cant you chase all the fun things? I love that girl, she is amazing… she is HER.
4. In dancing, singing, and eating: Alright, mainly because myself, and most of the women in our society, in MOST SOCIETIES, have a toxic relationship with eating (or lack of eating I should say) I have dedicated a bullet point to it. Obviously, humans shouldn’t overeat, especially on unhealthy food. But, fun fact, all humans SHOULD eat, especially to survive. The correlation to food and body shape is there yea, and the human body comes in all shapes yea, but when our calorie-deficit gets to the point of starvation, we are no longer loving ourselves we are dying not living. Starvation is like saying I shouldn’t sleep my required amount, because then my eyes will be all the way open today… and I love when people objectify my eyelids. huhh?? Can we just eat, workout, and love our bodies??? If the person you want doesn’t like your body shape… they are not the person for you. Fuck them, YOU ARE THE STAR OF YOUR OWN LIFE, and that side character doesn’t even get an imdb credit. Dancing and singing is a little different, rhythm and pitch are notable requirements for those two efforts, but… fuck, if I don’t have either, I’m gonna do it anyway, this life is mine to fully enjoy, that includes dancing, singing, and EATING.
To conclude this incredibly self-involved post about nothing. My intent was to be funny in describing a self-obsessed loser with the undertone of “I could never be like that,” but it turns out I was really taking us all on one of my mental maps to solution. I thought of some great steps to take towards self-love… and oh and I can actually be like that. Don’t get me wrong though, I am still going to therapy once a week. Unlearning three decades of self-abuse and people pleasing does not happen overnight. I wish it did though, is that what the movie “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” was about? I think so, she made up Jim Carey and was just in a relationship with her own shadow, right? I’m sure that’s right.
