Could Have Been

I grieve the time that has passed and all the ways my life could have been better.

I find it strange that there exists two of me at one time. 1. Who I actually am and 2. Who I think I should be. The second me struggles so often.

Is it any wonder?

She never lives up to the potential of who I could have been if I had followed my deepest desires.

I could have been a wonderful Mother. A more present daughter and sibling, a fearless artist, a decent organizer, a devoted partner, and lovely housekeeper.

A confident Woman.

I could have run a marathon or become a powerlifter.

I could have learned to speak a third language.

I could have traveled to amazing sites and painted art based on photos I took.

I could have picked up Folklorico dancing and twirled to my favorite romantic music.

I could have healed others with words and illuminated the beauty of the world and joy of the human spirit.

I could have been proud of all the life I have lived until now, instead of being sad that I am not…who…

I could have been.

I could be.

Why do I hide behind anxiety and fear? The depths of which consume me in “COULD HAVE BEENS.”  I was born to fly in joy and play in the beauty of the world. To feel. I was born to feel deeply and deeply I feel. I used to be embarrassed by how much time I spent on my feelings, but I have since found it is my superpower.

I am filled with dreams and passion. Brimming with Could Be’s.

I could be. I could be all the versions of me I mourn. The past is not indicative of my future so what am I waiting for?

A storm of anxious thoughts encased behind a bulwark of inhibitions convince me that it’s too late, that it’s impossible to fit my delayed dreams and desires into a seemingly short life. Society tells me I should have it all by now, forty is around the corner… people have everything and more by now.

But who is society? A collective reflection of our insecurities and executives who profit from those insecurities. A capitalistic definition of success and prosperity and a few generations of tumultuous wars where for most, a future was not promised.

When I talk to people older than me, I am reassured that I have another lifetime, I have my health, I have potential. As long as I have dreams and feelings and passion…

I could be